Square Eyes #3 – Dancing On Ice is boring!

I’ve never watched ITV’s New Year staple ‘Dancing On Ice’. There are many reason for this, the main one being my massive dislike for all ‘talent shows’. However last night I decided to put my reservations aside and dive right in to the bright, sequinned, frozen bonanza. And I was surprised…

I was expecting the show to be completely over-the-top with dramatic sounds, flashy lights and Philip Schofield explaining why this competition is more important than anything else happening right now.

I was expecting the costumes so bight and skin tight that they’ll have your eye out in an instant.

I was expecting the poor quality of celebrities (although this was actually marginally higher than I expected, I had at least heard of them and even knew some of them by their face).

I was also expecting the usual ‘judges’ comments from pompous gits who seem to think they somehow qualify to sit there and insult these ‘celebrities’ for trying their damned hardest (and yes I CAN insult them, the difference is I don’t get paid for it!).

But what I wasn’t expecting – with all this going on – was to be bored. And I was, EXTREMELY bored. I hate shows like this, but if I sit down and watch X Factor or Strictly, I’m rarely bored. I’m normally busy thinking how disgraceful this kind of thing is to our country and how TV can’t get much worse, but ironically I’m never bored.

Yet ‘Dancing On Ice’ was so dull I couldn’t possibly keep watching after 7:20 (less than an hour in). So what was the problem.

Partly, I suppose, is that ‘Dancing On Ice’ seems to be like a lite version of similar shows. Whereas X-Factor has an emphasis of war between the contestants, DoI has all of them waving like gormless bunnies at the beginning and end of every show. Instead of the quite funny (even if for the wrong reasons) Bruce Forsythe, we get the ‘safe choice’ Philip Schofield and a toned down Holly Whilloughby. Instead of evil, menacing Cowell, we get Jason Gardener who’s more annoying than entertaining, leaving you to not value a syllable that he utters.

However I don’t think this was ‘Dancing On Ice’s’ main problem. The reason is it so dull, is that it’s sooooo long ad drawn out. That show could have been down in an hour, hour and a half tops. But we had to sit and see what everyone had done for aages. We had to find out why Craig McLachlan had little training, why Dave Vitty had so many nerves, who had broken a finger (so bored I can’t remember) and many more pointless stories all while Schofield put on his ‘serious’ voice to explain them.

It was mind-numbingly boring and the reason the show fails for me. And it’s a shame because I do actually appreciate the dancing, I could never do anything like that and it’s a pleasure to see that some can. But I simply can’t take the way the show is presented to me, far too slow paced and just… boring.

So I won’t be bothering with ‘Dancing On Ice’ again on a Sunday, but it’s not for the reasons I thought I’d hate it, it’s simply because I’d drop off if I did!